Five things you should never say to an Indoor Cycling Instructor

As Indoor Cycling Instructors we love saying 1,2,1,2 over and over again, we're excellent at talking without stopping for 45 minutes straight, and we pride ourselves on being able to tell you the BPM (and RPM) of any song in the universe (probably at parties where no-one cares).  We adore the energy you bring to classes. We love answering all manner of questions about bikes and beats and cleats and watts. However there are some things you should never say to us.

1. 'I've just eaten, but I'm gonna risk it'. Fams! We don't want your vomit on our face! Sit at the back and keep your lips zipped!

2. 'Please can you play this really long slow RnB tune/this jungle track my mate made/this foreign language poem/this death metal song in class today?' Picking music for a successful indoor cycling class is a fine art and takes hours. It's not that we don't like your taste in music, it's just that when it comes to cycling songs, we know best.

3. 'I'm going on holiday in a week and I want a six pack and Beyonce's bum.' If we could make that happen we would be riding around in unicorn driven chariots chucking money onto the streets on our way to our jewel-encrusted jets to fly to our private islands.

4. 'I've forgotten my P.E kit, can I ride in my jeans?' NO, you think your vagina hurts now? Try riding in demin my friend. 

5. 'Can I have your number?' It may seem like we've been gazing adoringly at you for the past 45 minutes, but in all honesty, we can't see much with the bright lights and the immeasurable amounts of sweat in our eyes, so think twice before you go all Romeo on us.